Beautiful smile

Amina..

the name comes unbidden to my lips as I blink into the darkness..

I must have been dreaming or I should say nightmaring from the way my pulse is thundering and how much I want the love of my life to be beside me now

I dwelve back into my dreams a little more fearlessly now that I know it was nothing but a bad dream

Amina..

maybe it was all recalling of memories today

I think back to the night I was bad dreaming of

I was talking to my father on the phone

I was sitting on the rungs of one of the bunkbeds, by now used to the way they dug into my bottom

I was trying to laugh quietly as my father filled me in on my silly over exuberant family

Amina lifted her head slightly looking up at me with her big eyes, which looked bigger from malnutrition.. and in my not so proffesional oppinion, being molded by her life into an adult

I smiled and touched her cheek as she was lying in the bottom  bunk across from me, she smiled back shyly, lowering her eyes but not moving away from my touch like she used to

As my father chattered uncharacteristicly in my ear, I distractadly thought about little Amina

She hadn't said a word since she came in according to other doctors, no one knew about her mother or father or any other family she might have, the only thing we new were the important things, things to do with keeping her heart beating

Her weight,sex,age,height,blood pressure, and confirmed that she wasn't physically mute

so why then did it feel like I knew nothing about her?

everyone had tried everything to get her to talk, nothing worked

I remember the first 2 weeks after I met this beautiful girl, I worked so hard with her, I thought there was something the doctors before me had missed.. but no she would play with the dolls, draw, she was to young to know how to read or write

It was a friday, I remember, because I was getting ready do wash myself for prayer when Amina came to me looking upset. It wasn't odd for her to come to the doctors looking for help but, her needs were usually obvious, water she point, bathroom she point, pain she'd twist her face and point but now she looked up at me with tears in her eyes, just gazing, I dropped to my knees and said "yes?" she said nothing just gazed at me with eyes full of tears, I continued to talk to her, for atleast another 15 mins, but I was getting frustrated, this girl was mute! beyond my help! she looks like she can't talk but mute people can't talk what can I do about that? thats when a bubble of excitement neared my lips, mute people can't talk but who on earth said they can't communicate?? This whole time we were trying to get her talk instead of tryig to get her to communicate! I raised my shoulders silently ans raised my hands palm up in the universal gesture for what? She paused.. then put her palms together and raised her face to the sky

I still remember that my mouth went completely dry

as a rushed to mime back I repeated my "what" gesture and she smilee at me, like she was teaching me something very simple and I wasn't understanding

her tears dried and she pointed at the prayer mat now at a pile near my knees

and it struck me oh! she wants to pray, I took her to a doctor who slipped out her IV and helped her wash up for prayer

As the weeks went on I was traded between patients and doctors and translators

But soon Amina was out of emergency and given a bed in my room

I knew my friends at receptions office must have put in a good word

I had many patients, but only one was my obsession

I looked down at little Amina so brave, sleeping soundly in my lap

In the morning after that call, and those thoughts Amina was diagnosed with >> in words and not jargons

A hole in her heart, she seemed healthy so the hadn't thought to get her scanned but as her health declined with no other feasible reasons, they resorted to the pricey scan and found the worst to be true

I left Syria and its resiliant people soon after she passed, I wasn't afraid of death, I'd never been afraid, but I had to go far away take a breath and remember why everything was worth it again

Amina.. I'll never forget the way her eyes sparkled when I said her name, she never told me why she didn't speak but you might say I have a guess <3